Perfectionless

I suffer from perfectionism. Some days I can cope with it, other days it is debilitating. 

Being a Christian helps me to understand that the reality is I am not perfect (due to sin) and I never will be on this earth. Some days I can take comfort in this, other days I still struggle with it.

Perfectionism isn't all bad, it has helped me in my life. I have always done well in education forums (not without the effort though). I have worked well and performed well in my professional career. I have some good friends. I have a wonderful family.

Perfectionism is tiring. I am exhausted by it. Nothing seems easy. I feel like I am always working hard, I never stop, physically, mentally. I am never perfect. I often struggle with emotions because emotions are not tangible and I cannot make them perfect. When I can't fail, I severely inhibit my opportunities to grow, and I always want to grow.

Listening to a song by Lindsay McCall called "Come Rest". She sings, "When You say come, rest, should I be working so hard? 

When You say love, rest, did You want hands or my heart? 

'Cause I have done my best and still I miss the mark 

But I remember You said it's done 

So I come".

God doesn't want me to work my way to Him. God loves me for me and God loves you for you. He wants our heart, not our hands.

Romans 3:23-24 says "... for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus..."

Understanding that it is through the Grace of Jesus that I can have a relationship with the God. I am tired of perfectionism, I want to be perfectionless more.

Travelling solo

Recently I embarked on a new experience. To travel for the first time alone. It isn't so ground breaking for most, but if you have read my previous posts, you will understand that I have been fairly preoccupied with other things and as much as I have wanted to travel regularly, it wasn't able to happen until I was in my mid 30's.

When discussing travelling alone as a married Christian woman with two children, peoples responses ranged from "that's brilliant, go you" to "what are your husband and children going to do?" Some questioned my marriage, others questioned my faith. My response varied from a hearty thanks and acknowledging the great opportunity, to justifying that my husband is a great father and my children are quite capable of looking after themselves (to a point) as well as responses that included comforting others and clarifying my faith and my marriage (I think I will write more about this in another blog!).

My husband managed the house impeccably (he is neater than me), my children didn't miss me (although they later stated that they sort of missed me after they saw my somewhat saddened face after the first comment) and I learnt a lot of surprising things about myself. 

But more than all of this, I had the most heartfelt, deep and fulfilling walk with God in the time I was away. I had no distractions (apart from the amazing country) to keep me from spending time with God and I absolutely loved every minute of it. I was going there expecting to be completely renewed and have a complete understanding of who I was and where I was heading in terms of my career, health and well being and I came home with some answers, but not how I expected them to be answered. 

Being married, with a mortgage, children and a career from my early 20's, I never really knew what aspects of me were really me or if it was a reaction or response to life circumstances. Spending time on my own I was able to understand me more and in understanding me, I was able to appreciate why God made me me, and also how and why I fit in my world. So what did I learn?

1. I actually like relaxed mornings. There is something about the long breakfast and not "starting" my day until 10 am. I spent an hour or so each morning reading, writing and speaking with God. I was still awake early, but I wasn't the multitasking, three conversations at once person I usually am. I felt more refreshed and ready for the day when it started at 10 am after some good time with God rather than 8 am. This is ironic to me because with my experience as a studying mother, I used to get up at 4 am to study as this was the best time to get my university work completed without the daily requirements interrupting my thoughts. It also makes me realise that time with God is so important in my life. This aspect of my life has changed since being home and I hope it continues on.

2. I am able to navigate and have great observation skills. I was able to navigate my way around towns, cities and countries with little stress. I generally knew where I was and the direction I was heading. I think I have a photographic memory in this regard. I also enjoyed the navigating part of travelling... not the living in the suitcase part, but the working out where I am and where I was heading and how to get there. I wasn't stressed not knowing where I was going, and if I went the wrong way, I was able to find my way again. I tended to use observation to help me with this. For example. Watching people can give you a great sense of where things are. When I was in Vienna, I wanted to get to the centre of the city, so I looked at where all the people were heading. It was the morning, in the middle of the week. I knew that people would be travelling to work in the centre of the city so I just headed that direction too. I ended up in the middle of Vienna!

3. I don't need to plan my day. I loved the fact that I didn't need to plan exactly where I was going each and every day. Some mornings, I just said to God, "so where are we going to explore today?" Trusting God in this was a truly amazing experience. We explored towns and cities I wouldn't have thought to explore and God blessed me with amazing people and breathtaking beauty in this.

4. I am okay being alone. This was one of the aspects of travelling solo that I was nervous about. I didn't think I would cope being alone. I realised that I can be alone... with God. I enjoy having time alone, but I also enjoy spending time with people. Time away from people gave me energy that I never realised I needed. This is something that I realised is integral to how I will look after myself in the future. The time with myself gave me the time, space and comfort to just reflect, learn, observe, feel and be moved by God. Sitting up the top of a mountain on my own was just amazing. I felt an immense sense of peace and comfort during this particular time that I have never felt before.

5. I like mountains and trees. I think this is something that I knew before, but I was able to confirm it when I was on my own, in the mountains surrounded by trees. Trees and mountains give me energy and time and space. 

6. I still don't like heights. Highly ironic when I love mountains. I can do heights. I don't like them, but I can do them! Every time I face this fear, I am always amazed at what God blesses me with once I have been 'up' there. Most of the time it is a spectacular view, sometimes it is a conversation or the opportunity to experience something amazing, like ice caves... in summer! Everyone has fears. I have mine. I have learned to accept it and embrace it. If I can, I will definitely challenge myself in that fear (except my fear of hair), but at the same time, I am okay to say no to that fear as well. Fear is good, fear is healthy. God gives us fear to allow us to trust Him, rely on Him and be comforted by Him.

7. I have a sense of humour. I do. Really, I do. My Instagram post is proof! The Caption was "Views for Today" and I was smiling! God gives me a sense of humour and this helps me to live in the moments that are less than ideal. I love these moments, because I can look back on them with joy, my sense of humour helps me with that.

Travelling alone enabled me to explore what was me and what was the response of my circumstances. So when I look to my future, I can be more confident in who I am. God created me to be an independent capable woman, who hates cooking, cleaning and anything to do with housework. By learning this about myself, or rather God revealing me that who I am is actually a wonderful thing, I have been able to embrace who I am more. I don't feel guilty when I work full time, study and have community commitments even though I have children, because I know that God is using who He created me to be involved in all of these things. I am also aware that I may be asked to change all of this at some stage and I know that I will be able to cope with it. When I feel that I am too strong in character for some social relationships, I also understand that God uses me to be strong and fearless when advocating for others or in times when emotions are not helpful in situations, I can see that He uses me for others. Previously, I spent many times questioning why I am the way I am, but now, I am starting to see what God sees in me and what He requires of me. It doesn't mean that I don't struggle with these things, it just means that I am able to acknowledge the times when I need to be humble and ask God to work through me. The times when God asks me to advocate, then I can thank Him that he gave me the ability to do this fearlessly. 

If you get the chance to spend some time working out and testing who you are, spending time with God, seeing the world through His eyes, I highly recommend it... you may be pleasantly surprised. As I was truly blessed.

Life in Death, Death in Life

I spent Monday at a funeral for an older woman. She was 90+ when she passed away. After the funeral, I was speaking with some of her friends (also in the 90+ age range) and one of these ladies asked me "Are you afraid of dying?" I replied honestly that I wasn't because I believed in God and I believed in heaven (I wasn't sure how she would handle my die hard version response to this question on this particular day considering I was at her friend's funeral). 
She then said that I must be a good person to which I replied... ahhhh, no. 
Definitely not.
Pondering out loud that she wasn't sure why she was still alive, yet a lot of her friends, her friends, her good friends had died over the years. I realised that "God isn't finished with you yet" and told her so. We spoke some more and she asked me more questions to which I didn't have the answers she was after. I encouraged her to read the bible and let God tell her His story or His opinion on life and death, I asked her to let Him speak to her about grace and forgiveness and tell her that it isn't about being good enough.
I couldn't give this woman an answer that she needed, she had spent some of her life in church and never felt 'good enough', so she needed to hear/read the source of where her questions would be answered (not a church). She needed to read the bible.

The answers are in the bible.


When I have struggled to understand the 'why' in my life, the only answers I can realistically find are in the bible. So if you have questions, earnestly ask God those questions and read the bible. If you don't know where to start, ask someone to help you, or open up to a page and start reading. If it doesn't feel right, then flip a few pages and try again. I think it is important to be honest with God in these times when we are looking to understand. Just honestly speak to God, in your head, in your heart, out loud, anyway you need to ask. Be real and ask him to answer the questions you need answered.

Sometimes we ask why we are in a particular situation and I have learned that the answer is often that "God isn't finished yet". This lady is experiencing this right now, at 90 years old. "Why am I here?" she asks me. Paul experienced the same, when he was in chains (in jail) for working for Christ. In chains for being a Christian. In those times of immense hardship, Paul knew he was in chains because Christ wasn't finished working through him whilst he was in those chains.

My questions to you are how old will you be when you ask someone if they are scared of dying? And if you get asked, what will you say?

"Patience". I don't know what that is... yet.

I recently wrote a piece for my LinkedIn profile regarding how our qualities and credentials as employees, leaders and career people are not always what we can put on paper, or even something tangible, but they are still important in defining our career "success" and our future potential.
With all of that blog written, I applied for and was accepted into two universities (the only two that I applied for) to complete my MBA. It turns out my qualifications are enough... although I have to give credit to the admissions process for both courses, as they wanted personal statements as well; so I was able to spout my life story about "just getting on with it, even though life throws things at you..."
For those who know me, I am the person who makes a decision and then follows through with that decision, straight away. I have never had a real process of thinking, reflecting, being still or stopping. Decide, do. Simple in my mind. 
In the past year, I have been challenged by a dear wise friend (okay okay, so there have been more than one... a lot more people challenging me...) to SLOW DOWN and listen to God... Actually, I was to slow down, ASK God and WAIT for his answer. Ouch, like a slap in the face. Just because previously, I decided and did, doesn't mean that God wants me to do that all the time, for everything...There were times in my life where that kind of approach to life, worked immensely to the benefit or myself and those around me but it doesn't always work that way, more recently it hasn't been working that way, and I was struggling immensely with the fear of waiting, the fear of not having a plan, a goal or a challenge. I was struggling to the point of being physically and mentally unwell for about a year. Why am I so afraid to wait? Why am I sick, challenged and fearful when I am not busy, have no goals, nothing to aim for achieve or submit on a learning portal? 
Sometimes, God asks us to wait... "Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14.
Today, I am still waiting. I am not sure how strong I am in that wait, and my heart is sometimes not that courageous to wait... in fact, I am absolutely terrible at waiting. I loathe waiting. But God is asking me to be still and listen and wait. In this waiting, God has healed me. I am no longer physically sick, I have less headaches, more time for people and to be immersed in things that matter, people. Will I do the MBA? I don't know. I can if I accept the offer, but I also have the choice to decline the offer. I don't know which button to push at this stage, so I have asked God... now I need to wait for His reply.
So today, I want to shout out to that dear friend that lovingly challenged my patience, with a gentle heart, challenges me still, to spend the time before God, asking and waiting patiently for His reply. He hasn't answered me yet, but I am confident that the waiting is for His purpose.

Moisturiser and Humbleness

This morning, my husband comes up to me and decides it would be a good, fun way of saying goodbye to wipe (RUB all over) hand moisturiser onto my face, give me a kiss and walk out the door. 

I wasn't happy at all. AT ALL. Why? Because I have 'face issues'- pimples. I spend lots of money, time and inner thoughts on how I can improve or get rid of the pimples I get in my 30's. Hand Moisturiser on my face, is not one of them. It is way too oily for an already too oily face.

I realised that my insecurities didn't help my mood nor how I said goodbye to my well intentioned husband. All those thoughts clouded the true meaning of the interaction we could have had this morning. God asks of us to "lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely" (Hebrews 12:1). The reason why God wants me to lay aside this weight of mine, is so that I can see and experience the joy my husband can bring, so that I can experience God (through my hubby's humour and love) and the blessing that brings to my morning and my day. My husband (and God) knows I struggle with my face (among other insecurities), but I have never actually realised what a burden that can be to me and to others! My humble attempt at "making it right" with my hubby is below via text...

What can you lay aside today? What can you release from to see God's love shining through? How can you be humble in others well intentioned kindness?

The beginning of something new... so many ideas, so where do I start? With a blog of course!

So, here I am at the start of a journey I have not felt possible or achievable until now. Writing down my journey of life on a public blog. I have to say, that I am nervous. I hear about people that have less than positive feedback on their blogs or posts and I am not sure I am ready for this. I am hoping for positivity and encouragement, just as the words I write will hopefully give others the same. 
I am normally a fairly private person. Ironic, heard it all before, I hear you say... yeah yeah. I am one of those people.
I have been compelled and encouraged by those close to me that know my story that I should blog, or write a book. I prefer a blog... a book seems entirely large and way too complicated for me. I hated English at school, I am not a creative writer and I struggle to spell anything apart from anatomical parts of the body.
I have to admit, I have written three blogs, on LinkedIn. If you want, check them out under my profile. The problem was, with those links... that I left out a large part of my life... my faith. 
Why? Well, because I am only just learning that my work, faith and personal life are all intertwined, and that it's okay for it to be that way.
I previously had three distinct lives, work, faith and personal. Previously they rarely connected. It was how I survived my adult life until now. So why has it changed now? Because I am changing, I am growing up. At 34, I feel more like an adult. Not just a wanna be. Or perhaps I have been blessed immensely, through all the bad decisions, pain, hurt, hard work and just plain living God has blessed me.